Blended Paths

"She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks." Proverbs 31:15-17

Tonight I took a few comments from Jer with a grain of salt, including the one that inspired the thoughts that became this post:

Jer: "I wish you'd taken your phone. I wanted you to get me some ice cream."

Me: "well, I'll go get you some ice cream. I'll be right back." (I'd just gotten home from going to the store with my Mom but I hadn't taken my phone with me.)

Jer: "No, just don't worry about it. If you leave I'll have to watch him (Jess)." (slightly agitated and hateful tone)

Me: "what?" (moment of silence) "I 'watch' him every day, all day, and have done this without you here for the past 12 days straight! (Jer's been working without a day off for going on two weeks)

I shook my head, closed my eyes, took a breath. I stopped myself here... Later, Jer apologized.

What I wanted to say in the heat of the moment - thoughts that crossed my mind:

"That was a sorry thing to say! What is wrong with you? You're his dad! He LOVES it when you're here and whether I'm here or not he only wants you - he misses you. If he's such an inconvenience for you, don't worry about it.

I do most of the dirty work every day! 99% of the time, I change his diapers, especially dirty ones. I bathe him. I change his clothes. I do his laundry - and yours! I clean up after him - and you! The only thing you do with him with any consistency is play with him and clean him and his tray after his supper - not that I haven't done that at breakfast and lunch while you were at work...

Why do you treat the situation as though my staying at home isn't as much or more of a 'job' than leaving the house to go to 'work?' You WANTED me to stay home - it was a choice we made together because it was best for Jess. I love being here, and I love serving my son and you. I love taking care of the house and my family. I don't complain when you leave clothes in the floor or dishes in the sink when you could just as easily put them in the dishwasher (and turn it on when it's full), and I appreciate what you do around here when you take the initiative to do little things here and there.

If what I give you in return - meals, clean clothes, a clean house, a well-trained son, etc. - isn't enough for you, perhaps you need to rethink the whole situation and whether you want to be here with us!"

A few short years ago, this is what I WOULD have said. Even the ultimatum, which would have been useless because neither of us wants to be anywhere else than here with each other. The fact that I managed to stop myself, think, breathe, and keep my mouth shut made me realize that I have reached some level of spiritual maturity and understanding of myself and what I want for my family that I didn't know I had reached. Still, just writing it makes me feel a twinge of anger and a shock of defensiveness.

It's rare for Jeremy to say things like what he said tonight, especially in regards to his responsibility as a dad, but lately the comments and snappiness have become fairly frequent, even when he's on a day shift at work (he's usually very laid back when he's on day shift). I know that he is very tired. I know that he is stressed and physically exhausted by the long hours he is working - but I count the situation as a blessing to get back on our feet after months of cut work hours and weeks of paychecks that were half, sometimes even just an eighth, of what he should have been making.

I thought for a long time throughout the evening about the whole situation, and I decided to make a list of the things I did during this day and the things I wanted to do but didn't get done, either because I was too busy or too tired (nine times out of ten I was simply too busy).

Things I did today, in chronological order:

• 6AM: Jesse woke me.
• 6:10-6:30: Changed Jess, fed Jess breakfast.
• 6:30-6:45: Gave Jess his milk and he sat and read books while I jumped in the shower.
• 6:45-9:30: Put Jer's breakfast dishes in the dish washer and turned it on, folded laundry in the dryer and washed another load, which I also folded when it was dry, cleaned the floors and picked up random things throughout the house (numerous times) while intermittently changing Jess, giving Jess a snack, coloring with Jess, or playing ball with Jess, or having him help me carry baskets or towels, etc. Oh, and I paid bills.
• 9:30-11:30: Took Jess across the street to play with Grady and sat and talked to Katie and Dustin for a while, did some party planning for Jess' birthday and then played with both kids.
• 11:30: Walked home with Jess and gave him some lunch.
• 12:00: Put Jess in his room for his nap.
• 12:00-1:30: Put away laundry, then laid down and watched news; took a 30 minute nap.
• 1:30-3:00: Watched "Napoleon" with Jess, intermittent running, coloring, diaper changing and snack feeding.
• 3:00-3:30: Played "jump" with Jess (this little game he made up where he jumps off the sofa and I catch him)
• 3:30: Called Jer, discussed dinner
• 3:45-4:15: Called to take care of an insurance bill. Started and cooked dinner, cleaned up Jess' messes in the kitchen and living room
• 4:15-5:00: fixed Jess and Jer a plate, we ate dinner, Jer put dishes in the dishwasher while I went outside alone for a few minutes of quiet
• 5:00-6:00: My parents came to visit, I went to the store with my Mom while my Dad and Jer visited and played with Jess.
• 6:15: I got home, my parents left, Jer made his comment
• 6:15-7:15: mopped, put on more laundry, organized Jess' bathroom stuff (soaps and such), picked up Jess' messes throughout the house, sat down for a few minutes, went back outside for a few minutes when I took out the trash.
• 7:15-7:30ish: Jess' bath time, played with him, washed him, dried and dressed him. Jer got his milk.
• 7:30-8:00: Played with Jess and Jer on the couch, fed Jess some yogurt, put Jess to bed at 8:00.
• 8:00-now: worked on this post.

Here's the list of things I would liked to have fit in today:

• I need to shave, but all I've had time for lately is a quick shower every morning while Jess is in a good mood and playing after breakfast. I went to WalMart with obvious stubble on my legs. Wow.
• I want to do some scrap booking because I'm so behind and have so many pages to do in Jess' scrapbook. I love doing that and imagining him look at the books when he's older.
• I need to organize our bills more efficiently.
• I need to start printing, clipping, and organizing coupons again. Wow, things are so high!
• I'd like to back up and clean off my computer.
• I'd like to clean my cameras and organize my files so that I perhaps I can go out one day, even taking Jess with me, and do a few shoots to get some newer work on my website.
• I need to update my website.
• I need to advertise my website and my prints more.
• I'd like to actually straighten and fix my hair after washing it instead of just spraying some gel in it and letting it dry as I go.
• I'd like to sit down and watch a movie to the end without either being needed for something or falling asleep.

When I thought about these things, my mind wandered to a comparison mode: comparing the things I'd done and the things I'd wanted to do but hadn't done and then asking myself why the things on those lists weighed out the way they did. The bottom line for me was obvious: I may not show it through my words and actions in a way that is obvious to many people, but I truly live to do what God wants me to do.

Would God rather me spend an extra five minutes in the shower to shave, or would He rather me just be clean enough to be semi-comfy for the day and get back to my making sure my child is safe? Would God want me to run to my computer as soon as Jer hit the door and update my site and try to sell my photos, or clean my camera equipment, etc., and let Jer worry about his own dinner and feeding Jess, or would He want me to have something prepared for my hard working, tired, hungry husband when he gets in?

God wants us to serve others, especially in friendships and marriages/families. It is not our job to be worried about ourselves (aside from the basic necessities of being alive). It is our job to take care of others, to love others, and to serve others in all the ways we can, and to let them take care of us and fill in the gaps that we leave blank for ourselves - which is where the teamwork and duality in marriage should come in.

"In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’” Acts 20:35

"For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5:13-14

"Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” Luke 6:38

"So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." Phillipians 2:1-11

"And whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:44-45

Sure! A nice night to oneself to relax in a bubble bath, shave, wash hair and fix it up, then read or work on a website or hobby that one enjoys is a wonderful thing, but it should be a gift - at least for someone in my position. I'm not saying that I'm not worthy of having such a thing more often, far from it! I'm saying that my family is more important to me than having excessive amounts of time to myself. Right now, being a mom to a child under two, time to myself isn't even a luxury - it's simply not an option for the fact that by the time he's in bed, I'm too tired to make time for myself (generally - obviously, tonight I am staying up long enough to write this post). Even on nights when I can't sleep, I can't really do any of the things I'd like to because I'd wake Jess or Jer up, so insomnia doesn't help, as much as it would seem that it could! ;-)

I am willing to sacrifice (obviously! WalMart, shorts, stubbly legs? LMBO!) certain things that are important to me as an individual in order to make sure that my household is running smoothly and that my family is taken care of in the ways that I am given the responsibility to care for them. I know that as Jess grows older and does more for himself and is able to spend time alone outside or with friends, etc., (I can't count school - our plan and goal is home schooling) I will be able to do more for myself with more ease and a lot less guilt than I feel when I do make time for myself now, as rare as those times are... But right now, I am doing not only what I feel I should be doing, but what I feel God wants me to do. It's not about meeting His expectations, but about serving Him through serving others.

I did a lot of things today. I do a lot of things everyday; usually, the the same things. What can I say about those things? They were what most would consider mundane and unrewarding. Do I feel that I really accomplished anything? Absolutely. My reward was in Jess' smile and giggle when I cleaned his hands and face after his dinner. My reward was in Jer telling me how much he enjoyed his dinner. My reward was in knowing that Jer had clean clothes to wear to work in the morning. My reward was in knowing that my child was going to bed fulfilled - between the yogurt just before bedtime and the love we showed him this evening, how could he not be? My reward is knowing that I love my family, and whether they realize what I do for them or they take me for granted, they wouldn't want to live without me.

I am doing the hardest, most special, and humbling "job" in the world: living life as a stay at home mom and homemaker, and even if I'm exhausted and cranky and annoyed at times, I couldn't be happier.

"But you, take courage! Do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded.” 2 Chronicles 15:7

1 Corinthians 13

1 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.