Blended Paths

Free Books, Spotify, and Spring

Sun, 01 Apr 2012 01:05:00 +0000

As an update to my previous blog, I am not getting a turntable. Our tax money was gone before we got it after planning to pay bills, buy Jess a mattress and go to New Orleans. So. That was that. However, Spotify is still working out just fine and there is zero house clutter involved. ;)

Website update: Be sure to check out the gallery. I've added a new album for my Instagram photos, and I'm actually working on setting up this deal with Flickr where the post automatically post as a blog here at this site. I'm posting TONS of photos via this iPhone app so check it!! I'll be uploading tons of photos soon (when I get them off my phone and onto my computer!)!!

Speaking of Spotify, if you have tried it - YOU SHOULD. I'm not sure how the free version works at this point - I think you can listen to anything but can't make playlists...I've had the paid version for what seems like forever and I LOVE IT. I am <i>tempted</i> to back up my music collection on my laptop and just delete it from the machine at this point, but I don't always have an Internet connection (hey, I'm in Alabama, people!) when I take my laptop with me and I also sync my iPod and my iPhone to keep random music available offline......... Random train of thought: Spotify does allow you to save playlists for offline play.... Hmmm....

Alas, seriously - give Spotify a try. It's awesome and there's a platform for almost any device. If you do try it and like it enough to sign up for the premium service, be sure to also check out two of my favorite pre-made playlist sites: Spotify Playlists and Share My Playlist. Moving on...

Spring has arrived (actually, it feels more like summer here) and I've started planting things in our raised beds. Last year we didn't do any gardening because we'd just moved in when spring arrived and there was a LOT to clean up. The raised beds weren't a priority at the time. Now, though, Jesse's older and he's a good helper, and I have time to tend the things. We have two fairly large raised beds to use for food, and so far I've planted romaine lettuce, sweet banana pepper plants, and chocolate mint. That's right. Chocolate mint. I love that stuff - especially crushed up (fresh with juices) and put in my coffee. I'm weird, right? Next on the list is to plant my okra seed and get some tomato plants, as well as some bell pepper, squash, zucchini, and cucumber plants. Those are the veggies we eat the most (actually, a tomato is a fruit - just sayin') and other things, like potatoes, onions, and such take a LOT more room than we have to grow. ;-) I hope we find success this year - I'm really working hard and babying the beds - I've even bought and used blood and bone meals. I've never done much more than manure and random fertilizer. LOL

Something else that has been keeping me in happy spirits along with the spring sunshine are all the AMAZING, yet still free!!, books I've been getting for the Kindle app on my iPhone. Wow. It's amazing what you can get for free in the eBook section of the Amazon website. I'm currently reading a book called Live Free or Die, by Jessie Crockett. What an amazing story it is, and I'm only up to chapter four! It's a mystery/drama but it's written in such a fun and sarcastic style from the voice of the main character. I love it - she reminds me a lot of myself, only much more quick witted. So, if you're into reading, Kindle or not, check the web for free eBooks and don't judge them "by the cover," as the old saying goes. It's really amazing what kind of world you can find yourself lost in without spending $10 or $15 for the latest "blockbuster" eBook.

Life in general is pretty cool for us right now. Money is extremely tight and we're still struggling to deal with that second (our first) house we have yet to sell/rent but I'm working hard to at least get someone in it until I can do something else. I'm seriously considering just listing it and taking a small loss just to get rid of the problem of having to deal with it and pay for it. We're just a day to day family and we're really happy. I think that when times are tight and things are quasi-uncertain, we are all much happier because we take the time to appreciate what we have and how blessed/lucky we are to have what we do, even if half of it is more a problem for us than a blessing. For example, how many people don't have a home where we technically have two? How many of those people would like to have that second house of ours, but can't afford even the small amount of rent we are going to be asking? Exactly. A lot more than we might realize... So yeah, we're pretty stoked for life right now. Plus, we'll have free food in our yard soon (the Gods willing). :D

Hope all is well with everyone out there! Y'all take care!

Turntable Time?

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 08:40:00 +0000

I have several posts to get up here; a few on video and photo apps, one on parenting, and a random photography craft tutorial from a project I'm planning to do soon. But, I can't help but skip all those partially written posts and/or ideas for the moment and talk about something else I've become obsessed with as of late: VINYL.

I'm a music lover. It's a fact that I can't (nor would I want to) deny. I became addicted to the whole "digital" craze because of space saving and easy backup solutions. It's a lot cheaper in the long run. You pay less for music, you buy an mp3 player (it doesn't have to be a $300 iPod!) and you plug it in and go. It's a lot more convenient. You store your files on one device that fits in your pocket, and if all your music won't fit on that device, you create playlists or select your current favorites and store it all on your computer and a backup drive for good measure. The biggest plus is the easy travel factor — you can take your music ANYWHERE and listen to it in any number of ways. There's one real drawback. It's a lot LESS FUN.

I don't remember the good old days of turntables and vinyl very vividly. The most I can remember is having one of those cute little box record players, you know, the kind that look like a tiny suitcase, and having a bunch of Walt Disney books with 45's in the back of them that played music and told the story to you as you read along. Yeah. I know. Not much to base my new obsession on, right?

So what's the real story? It's the "real" factor.

I've been spending a lot of time hanging out at this "new" local coffee shop called 318 Coffee & Bands. I haven't been able to make it to one of their Friday night live shows, but I've been to the place on a couple of band-free Friday nights. These restless Fridays are filled with the amazing world of REAL music — as real as it gets without being live -- Vinyl Night. I've noticed three things during these amazing vinyl adventures:

1. Vinyl sounds better (even though I know the gigantic and amazing speakers they have help) because you get ALL the sound. It's not necessarily all cleaned up (even NEW releases by CURRENT bands) so by "sounds better" I don't mean it sounds cleaner. You don't get the sparkly, shiny, brilliant sound of perfection — you get more of the reality of the music and the making of the music. To ME, that's better.

2. Because you get more of the reality of the music and more sounds, you enjoy the music more. It has more personality. It has more feeling. It has more heart. It has more meaning. It not only has the substance of a real and tangible piece of vinyl that you can touch to know it's there, it has the substance of what music was always meant to be — a true, unadulterated expression of self with all the flaws in tact.

3. Vinyl is happening again, so it's not as expensive as one might think. I've learned from the Vinyl Night guru that MANY artists and bands, especially the kind of homegrown bands we all love the most, are going back to vinyl and including digital downloads with the purchase of the vinyl LPs so you get the substance and the expression I mentioned previously, but you get the convenience, too — and all for the price of one. Let's face it: buying a CD or vinyl album is always going to be more expensive in the long run than digital music, namely because people can't just steal whatever they want from the Internet whenever they want to steal it, but also because online music sites that sell full digital albums for $9.99 can't be beat by CD or vinyl sales — hey, there's a cost for material in there somewhere that gets added to what the artist and then the "store" makes. So what's up — get it in your head now: it's not going to be cheap...

But, the point I'm trying to make is that sometimes cheap in the way of cost simply cheapens an experience as a whole, and since my first Vinyl Night experience I've realized how much more real the experience of music can be — much more real than plugging in headphones or my iPod to the dock, or clicking a button on my computer to open an app, and pressing play. That's gotten lost, and I'd like to find it for myself again without the shop on Friday nights being my only chance to experience it.

I don't want to toss out my iPod - I'm all for convenience in the car or on a run or on the train (an experience I'll be having soon). I'm just saying that when I'm home, I want to chill and know —- and I want my son to grow up chilling and learning and knowing — what that true musical experience from that era I cherish so much in my heart (the 60's - for reasons I can't explain because I wasn't alive then, unless I OD'd and was reincarnated) is and that it truly can be an experience where you get up and walk over to the machine to change the record or turn the record over or fix the arm/needle...that being involved in more than pressing play or saying, "go," is much more fun and rewarding in most cases than the convenience (which is generally just laziness) we've all become accustomed to.

Blessings - and enjoy your music!

iPhone Video & Apps

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 00:05:00 +0000

I've concentrated most of my energy discussing iPhone photography, photo apps, and tips/tricks/etc. for still photographs when I've posted artsy iPhone-ness to the site. But, lately I've been doing a lot of VIDEO with my phone - in fact, more video than photography, and I really began to think about why I have never shared anything about the iPhone's video capabilities.

Perhaps it's because I started this iPhone thing when I had an iPhone 3Gs and video wasn't an option or was a crappy excuse for a moving picture with that phone. I've had my iPhone 4 for less than a year and I can't even remember whether the 3Gs had video capabilities - I want to say it did, but then I wonder.

Alas, the iPhone 4 (which isn't even the newest or greatest iPhone on the market anymore) DOES have great video tools and I decided that I was going to share a bit about my love of shooting video with the iPhone 4, as well as the apps I love to use to edit my footage in-phone.

I love using my iPhone 4 for shooting video for two reasons: 1) I always have it with me, and 2) just as with photography, there are so many options for in-phone processing and editing of the footage I capture. It's a lot of fun and I have made a few videos that I never would have thought to try to "make happen" because they just played out in front of me and I happened to have my phone (happened? Ha!).

A little about the iPhone 4's video capabilities:

Video recording, HD (720p) up to 30 frames per second with audio
VGA-quality photos and video at up to 30 frames per second with the front camera
The LED flash for still photography can be turned on for filming (indefinitely, turned off when filming stops).

Of course, the newer and better iPhone 4S is going to have quite the jump on these tech specs, what with it's better lens, higher MP rates, etc., but these iPhone 4 tech specs aren't bad for what the equipment actually is - a tiny camera in a slim phone.

So, without wasting any time trying to explain the technical here-to's and where-for's of the camera itself, lets talk about apps! Because, apps are everyone's favorite thing when it comes to the iPhone and it's camera/video accessibility!

Here is a list of my favorite video-related apps:

iMovie (Surprise!)
Super 8
VideoPix
Slowmo
Splice
Viddy

I'll talk about these in detail in separate posts, so for now I'll just decipher for you what each one actually does: iMovie is VERY similar to the iMovie app Mac users are used to on their computers. It allows nearly full control of video editing. You can use themes, add music and text, etc., to your footage. You can even splice. But, sadly, you can't add slides between clips manually. Oh, well. It's my favorite tool for editing my footage in-phone.

Super 8 is an actual "shooting" app - similar to the photo apps that allow you to take pictures from within them. It's an app that was released to promote the movie "Super 8" (great movie, btw), and it is really cool!

VideoPix is an app that allows you to pull still photos from your video footage. Getting a truly clear image is nearly impossible but it's still a great tool when you'd like to get a still from that great party or that crazy accident you happened to be filming.

Slowmo just allows you to slow your footage down (another feature iMovie for iPhone is lacking, as far as I know). You can save the clip and add it to your iMovie project, etc.

Splice is an editing app similar to iMovie, but it doesn't quite have the detailed functions that are available in iMovie. I haven't used this app since the last update so it's possible that could have changed.

Viddy is an app that allows you to create shorts of your footage (complete with themes and music) and share them with other viddy users, very similar to Instagram for iPhoneographers.

I'm so glad I finally got this much done on a post about iPhone video. It's not what I wanted or expected to accomplish, but with a sick kid and feeling a bit run down myself, it being 10:30PM and just getting him to sleep, I'm fairly satisfied with the start! I will soon be posting some individual blogs (with links) about the apps I've mentioned here (as well as some photo apps) and I will also include some links to some of the iPhone videos I've done as of late.

Blessings,

It can't ALL be about your child...

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 09:25:00 +0000

We all know (at least those of us/you who know me or keep up with my life online) that I have been lazing about with things - really, a lack of self-confidence doesn't even come into play. It's just the fact that I'm the mother of a two year old and that drains the ever-loving life out of me. Well. At the rolling over of the clock to 2012, I decided to make a resolution - something I rarely, if ever, do at the New Year.

My son is older now. Yeah, he's still two. But, he's more "mature" than he was a few months ago. He behaves well for his age, at least when it comes to outings (and, if he's away from his Dad!). So, I decided that it was time for me to commit to some serious Christy time. I decided that I would concentrate more on my art, whether writing or shooting, and that I would not feel bad about asking Jeremy or our friends to give me a little help with Jesse so that I could do this. I didn't make a plan, I didn't wake up on January 1, 2012 with a grand scheme or a whole lot of oomph about the whole thing. I just knew that I wanted to take care of my own needs as an artist.

I'd started noticing, probably right around Thanksgiving, maybe a little a before then (probably right after Jess' 2nd birthday) that I was feeling really down. Not depressed, just very tired. Very bored. Very dull. Very...down. I started making myself up more, dressing up more, dressing differently. Slowly, over a period of two months, I felt like I was running out of options and I couldn't figure out what was wrong! Then it dawned on me: yes, spending a little more time ON myself was helping me to feel better about myself, but I wasn't spending any time FOR myself. I was never getting into that zone of "Christy." There was always Jesse or Jeremy in the outskirts of everything I was doing in life, even if was for me.

That's all OK. It's OK for your family, especially your kids, to be the constant forefront of your mind, actions, and life. In fact, I think your kids SHOULD be in that place. But, I realized, I couldn't go on truly caring for my child...truly being a good mom, without truly BEING ME. Yes, he's a part of who I am! But, I was losing parts of myself that I used to love because I just didn't care for a while and I lost the habits; I lost the fire...and it started to wear me down. I'm a mother before anything else, and I'd do anything in the world for my child that I could do. I would walk in front of a speeding truck to knock him out of the way. But, I have to take care of myself if I'm going to be able to take care of him, and part of that is completing myself with the activities in life that fulfill me. There is no reason to feel guilty about that! It doesn't constitute a bad mother. It doesn't mean I don't put my child first. It just means that I am human and have needs of my own, just like my child does...just like my marriage does.

Recently, Jeremy and I began to realize that there were some issues in our marriage because of one stupid thing: our son having to sleep with one or the other of us. It has nothing to do with sex - even when we do sleep in the same bed that's usually the last thing on our minds by the end of the day - it was about being separated from each other. Normally, each of us would relish the chance to sleep on the couch or in the study for some serious peace and quiet. Now, we long to just be near each other. We're working on this problem. Jess makes it difficult but we're working on it. It surprised us both how one little thing - sleeping beside each other - affected our relationship. Yeah, we're asleep so we don't really know what's happening. But there's a subconscious knowledge that my partner in life, my best friend, my love is near me. That's important.

It's the same with our relationships with ourselves. We need to keep close to ourselves. We need to express ourselves, especially if we're artists (of any kind!). We need to know that we are sharing our visions and our ideas and our work with others, even if it's not for monetary gain. The latter means very little to me - when I gave up my professional career in teaching/IT to stay at home with my son, I did it knowing the financial loss that would take place and Jeremy and I were prepared for that. While it is nice and I'd like to sell my work, hopefully, soon, my writing, to others, becoming a millionaire isn't my drive. It's sharing what I create with others. Knowing that a photo that I took is hanging on someone's wall. Knowing that my ideas are scurrying around in someone's brain, hopefully inspiring them in some way.

Alas, I started my year off with a huge self-achievement. I went out yesterday with Jess and JR to get out of the house so Jeremy could rest. We went to McDonald's and had coffee while Jess played on the indoor playground, safe from the freezing cold. We went to a child's consignment shop and I got a few things for Jess, and spent only around $20 (which I was very proud of!!). Then, we went to this great little bookstore called Book Nook. We hung out there for a good while. Jess looked at books, JR talked to the owner while I looked around and chose a beautiful Stephen King novel that I've read before but just HAD to read again, and then I joined them in the kids' section, sitting in the floor with Jess and having conversations with him about what he was looking at. It was a lot of fun!

Every now and then I would get involved in the adult part of the conversation, and at some point I mentioned a bit of empty wall space I had noticed and asked about displaying my photography there. They were thrilled to extend the opportunity to me. So, by late in the afternoon I had gotten together some prints and frames, and I delivered them and signed a release for them to spend a little time on someone else's wall – a business' wall. A business where a LOT of different people will see them. And, maybe, take something away from them that inspires them in some way. I also mentioned my forthcoming novella and this, too, brought forth a lot of excitement from the owner of the store. They're very interested, and excited about, local talent, artists, writers, whatever it is you do, and they want to help you express your art. Selling is good. But the bottom line is expressing it - getting it out there, sharing YOU. To have a window to do this and to feel like I'm making good friends along the way is one of the greatest things that has happened to me since Jesse was born, and I know it never would have happened if I hadn't opened my mouth and said, "Hey. I have photos. I'm open to the possibilities."

All in all, it's shaping up to be an OK year. Yeah, there are still the worries about bills and random things breaking and so forth. Oh! And let's not forget that the world ends this year, as well. But, I'm excited! I feel alive again. I know I have a child to care for but that thought doesn't drain me anymore, because I know that's not all there is to my life and it never had to be that way. I just had to figure that out.

iPhone Portraits of Me

Fri, 21 Oct 2011 02:00:00 +0000

My friend, JR, took some random photos of me the other day with his iPhone 4. Of course, I got his phone and mms'd them to myself and played with them and made them prettier. The whole series of photos was based on me getting this great hat and sporting it for hours, even after we got home...even after night had fallen and Jeremy and I had gotten into our pj's. Alas, it was so much fun that I thought, "why not share them in a blog?!"

Visit JR's blog for more fun photos and videos. He always has something creative to post!

All of these versions were edited using my iPhone 4 and the Camera+, PS Express, and Impression (watermark) apps. All the photos were taken with the iPhone 4's built in camera/factory camera app.

Tips for Beginning Street Photography

Thu, 13 Oct 2011 00:55:00 +0000

I've always had a fascination with street photography. This curiosity has been mostly satisfied by viewing the works of my friends who focus on street photography and the work of photographers like Bill Cunningham, who is known for his work with the NY Times and his "trending" photos. Still, in recent years, my curiosity has grown and I have wanted to try my own hand at the art, but there are many problems to overcome. Thus, I have spent time researching as well as thinking on my own terms about my problems in direct relation to shooting in the "streets" and I'm going to share what I've learned or come up with in this post.

Problem #1: I live in a fairly rural area, more than an hour's driving time away from any true "urban" shooting grounds. How can I compensate and shoot where I live? How can I get "true street" shots in my own environment?

Problem #2: I'm timid and I don't want to invade anyone's privacy. What are the laws or "rules" for shooting street photos? How can I approach someone I really want to get a shot of? How can I deal with rejection?

Problem #3: What kind of equipment is best for street photography? Would a telephoto lens help me capture people with more shadiness or does that defeat the purpose? Would a point-and-shoot work best since there's a wider range to shoot with that type of camera? How about my iPhone? I'm really into iPhone photography, but would I seem less "serious" about what I'm doing if I were using such a tool, or would it actually be helpful since most people in my area aren't used to seeing giant SLRs and long lenses being sported around and that might make them more nervous about the whole situation?

Problem #4: I'm a stay at home Mom. I always have my toddler with me and it's tough to take a two year old on a shoot. There are safety concerns, as shooting requires almost as much attention as my child, and there are obstacles like diaper changes and baby boredom. How can I deal with these issues, from a mom point of view?

As you can see, I have some major questions to answer before I really try to head out and give street shooting a real shot. I have some ducks to get in a row and some marbles to get in a jar. These are serious questions for me - not just off the wall, I don't know what I'm doing, questions. Here are the answers I've come up with for myself. Perhaps they can be of use to you.

Problem #1: Rural vs Urban street photography. Bottom line first:

“As crowding increases, people’s personal space requirement decreases. Also, the space one needs and expects is culturally dependent. In some countries people naturally stand, talk and touch each other in public to a closer degree than in others. But there are general unspoken rules. Get too close, “In your face” — as the saying goes, and people get nervous, even if they don’t know exactly why.”

“At a fair, a midway at a carnival, a sports event, parade, concert or public ceremony, people’s need for personal space and therefore privacy is reduced. The level of sensory stimulation is also usually high at these events, which tends to reduce the need for space. As well, in most of these situations people are having fun so they are more relaxed.” Michael Reichmann

This is the crux of my problem. There's never "crowding" where I spend most of my time, and I avoid crowds as much as possible. I tend to stay in more open spaces, and limit myself to a certain number of people around me or I freak out (so the rural thing kind of works for me in that way). Back to the problem: is it even possible to shoot street photography in such an environment?

As it turns out, "Rural Street Photography" is a fairly new concept and is picking up some major attention in the art world. There are no true tips to be found for this, so I decided to create my own for what I think rural street photography could be:

Street photography is generally about people, but it doesn't have to be about people. Shoot the landscape as much as the people. Buildings, lights, signs, autos - the big picture and the story you want to tell is, in my opinion, more about the environment than the person in a photo - even when you do have a person in a photo.
If the first bullet made any sense to you, perhaps this one will, too. Even though the standard definition of street photography includes and revolves around people, my thoughts always go back to the story being told - what are the people doing? So, I think, for rural street photography, capturing the man on the tractor doesn't mean the man has to be the primary focus of the shot.
Capture any and every thing that catches your attention. If it's industrial and of some use, it should count. Screws in a pile by the curb. Hay fields and the designs the bailed hay make as they await their relocation to a barn somewhere. The barn itself. Any of these things can help tell the story in the really rural scene.

As I consider more things of interest in this area, I will update (or perhaps blog about this in it's own right) this section.

Problem #2: The Self-Consciousness Issue. Chris Weeks, a well-known street photographer and artist, has answered my question in short: "You’d be better off studying the art of shadowing and surveillance than photography to be a successful street photographer [...] Not some pussy with a scope up in a tree waiting for some hapless f**king deer with no chance against a 30.06." His number one tip? "Street work has more to do with how you blend in to the scene, and less about how good you are with a telephoto lens waiting for your prey." That kind of takes care of the rest of the questions in Problem #2, as well. Blend in. Become part of the landscape. Become part of the environment. Become invisible to the people you are shooting.

Problem #3: The Equipment Problem. The classic technique for "professional" street photography consists of fitting awide (20mm on a full-frame camera) or moderately wide-angle (35mm)lens to a camera, setting the ISO to a moderate high speed (400 or800), and pre-focusing the lens. Not likely to happen for me. I don't shoot film because I can't afford it. I don't have a wide angle lens for my film or dSLR, and I certainly don't have money to buy one. So, for what I have to work with, this is the best solution:

Start out with a cell phone or a point-and-shoot. Using low profile equipment forces me to be closer to my subjects, therefore forcing me to face my fears of offending or breaking the "space rule" up front. It also forces me to get more familiar with blending in, thus becoming one with my environment and seeing good shots to take.
Another benefit? Back to Problem #1 - the culture I live in will be less like to freak out or find it out of place to see someone shooting "random" photographs with a cell phone or small point-and-shoot camera vs. a great, big, conspicuous dSLR or film camera with a giant lens (wide angle or not, to them any removable lens is going to seem massive - it's their mindset).
And, finally, this method will work well in helping solve Problem #4 - the kid problem. Easy to manage equipment - no worrying about winding/changing film or the hassle of a large camera to work with, I can stuff my phone or small camera into the bag or my pocket for those random diaper changes or snack stops...or even get some fun shots with ease for those, "I'm bored and want to play/walk," moments.

Problem #4: The Kid Problem. Taking a toddler anywhere is a pain in the butt. Grocery shopping, out for lunch, yes - EVEN to the park. You have to haul a lot of crap, from the diaper bag with half your kid's room in it to the snack bag to the cooler with a wide variety of juice and milk when you go on a farily long-planned outing. Then there's the issue of boredom. Sometimes, especially in this case, the kid has to stay in the stroller a good bit. I can't let him run around the streets at this age - it's not only an irresponsible plan but a stupid plan, and I can't shoot and keep him safe out of the stroller. Just not happening. So, what is the solution?

Use the big stroller. It's more comfy for baby and has the basket underneath to haul those never-ending supplies.
Keep a few of baby's favorite small toys/books in the basket for emergencies.
BE FLEXIBLE. Be willing to miss a few great shots in order to keep baby happy - stop and play, let baby walk and run when we get to the park...
Use baby as a conversation piece to help with the previous discussion of self-confidence. Keep that in mind to stay positive and less frustrated about baby's needs while I'm trying to "accomplish" something for myself.
Bottom line? Baby always comes first, so this shouldn't be that hard. It's not hard to keep my eye on my son in public - it's almost a natural reaction when he's "loose" to be ever aware of his location and safety status. So, leave the worry at home and have FUN.
Plan the outing to include specific, preshceduled breaks for diaper changes. I'm pretty aware of my son's potty behaviors and frequencies, so I'd never plan to go try shooting with him before he's had his morning poop, for example. That would just be silly.

More to come on this topic, including photos once I get the chance (who knows exactly when that will be?) to get out and give it a real shot with my kiddo. I'll be sure to take notes (even if it's just in my head) to let you know how the experience was and what I learned. I'm excited to consider getting out and shooting again - in a different environment than the nature I love and am so used to!

Happy shooting!

Seek and Ye Shall Find

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 02:15:00 +0000

"She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks." Proverbs 31:15-17

Tonight I took a few comments from Jer with a grain of salt, including the one that inspired the thoughts that became this post:

Jer: "I wish you'd taken your phone. I wanted you to get me some ice cream."

Me: "well, I'll go get you some ice cream. I'll be right back." (I'd just gotten home from going to the store with my Mom but I hadn't taken my phone with me.)

Jer: "No, just don't worry about it. If you leave I'll have to watch him (Jess)." (slightly agitated and hateful tone)

Me: "what?" (moment of silence) "I 'watch' him every day, all day, and have done this without you here for the past 12 days straight! (Jer's been working without a day off for going on two weeks)

I shook my head, closed my eyes, took a breath. I stopped myself here... Later, Jer apologized.

What I wanted to say in the heat of the moment - thoughts that crossed my mind:

"That was a sorry thing to say! What is wrong with you? You're his dad! He LOVES it when you're here and whether I'm here or not he only wants you - he misses you. If he's such an inconvenience for you, don't worry about it.

I do most of the dirty work every day! 99% of the time, I change his diapers, especially dirty ones. I bathe him. I change his clothes. I do his laundry - and yours! I clean up after him - and you! The only thing you do with him with any consistency is play with him and clean him and his tray after his supper - not that I haven't done that at breakfast and lunch while you were at work...

Why do you treat the situation as though my staying at home isn't as much or more of a 'job' than leaving the house to go to 'work?' You WANTED me to stay home - it was a choice we made together because it was best for Jess. I love being here, and I love serving my son and you. I love taking care of the house and my family. I don't complain when you leave clothes in the floor or dishes in the sink when you could just as easily put them in the dishwasher (and turn it on when it's full), and I appreciate what you do around here when you take the initiative to do little things here and there.

If what I give you in return - meals, clean clothes, a clean house, a well-trained son, etc. - isn't enough for you, perhaps you need to rethink the whole situation and whether you want to be here with us!"

A few short years ago, this is what I WOULD have said. Even the ultimatum, which would have been useless because neither of us wants to be anywhere else than here with each other. The fact that I managed to stop myself, think, breathe, and keep my mouth shut made me realize that I have reached some level of spiritual maturity and understanding of myself and what I want for my family that I didn't know I had reached. Still, just writing it makes me feel a twinge of anger and a shock of defensiveness.

It's rare for Jeremy to say things like what he said tonight, especially in regards to his responsibility as a dad, but lately the comments and snappiness have become fairly frequent, even when he's on a day shift at work (he's usually very laid back when he's on day shift). I know that he is very tired. I know that he is stressed and physically exhausted by the long hours he is working - but I count the situation as a blessing to get back on our feet after months of cut work hours and weeks of paychecks that were half, sometimes even just an eighth, of what he should have been making.

I thought for a long time throughout the evening about the whole situation, and I decided to make a list of the things I did during this day and the things I wanted to do but didn't get done, either because I was too busy or too tired (nine times out of ten I was simply too busy).

Things I did today, in chronological order:

6AM: Jesse woke me.
6:10-6:30: Changed Jess, fed Jess breakfast.
6:30-6:45: Gave Jess his milk and he sat and read books while I jumped in the shower.
6:45-9:30: Put Jer's breakfast dishes in the dish washer and turned it on, folded laundry in the dryer and washed another load, which I also folded when it was dry, cleaned the floors and picked up random things throughout the house (numerous times) while intermittently changing Jess, giving Jess a snack, coloring with Jess, or playing ball with Jess, or having him help me carry baskets or towels, etc. Oh, and I paid bills.
9:30-11:30: Took Jess across the street to play with Grady and sat and talked to Katie and Dustin for a while, did some party planning for Jess' birthday and then played with both kids.
11:30: Walked home with Jess and gave him some lunch.
12:00: Put Jess in his room for his nap.
12:00-1:30: Put away laundry, then laid down and watched news; took a 30 minute nap.
1:30-3:00: Watched "Napoleon" with Jess, intermittent running, coloring, diaper changing and snack feeding.
3:00-3:30: Played "jump" with Jess (this little game he made up where he jumps off the sofa and I catch him)
3:30: Called Jer, discussed dinner
3:45-4:15: Called to take care of an insurance bill. Started and cooked dinner, cleaned up Jess' messes in the kitchen and living room
4:15-5:00: fixed Jess and Jer a plate, we ate dinner, Jer put dishes in the dishwasher while I went outside alone for a few minutes of quiet
5:00-6:00: My parents came to visit, I went to the store with my Mom while my Dad and Jer visited and played with Jess.
6:15: I got home, my parents left, Jer made his comment
6:15-7:15: mopped, put on more laundry, organized Jess' bathroom stuff (soaps and such), picked up Jess' messes throughout the house, sat down for a few minutes, went back outside for a few minutes when I took out the trash.
7:15-7:30ish: Jess' bath time, played with him, washed him, dried and dressed him. Jer got his milk.
7:30-8:00: Played with Jess and Jer on the couch, fed Jess some yogurt, put Jess to bed at 8:00.
8:00-now: worked on this post.

Here's the list of things I would liked to have fit in today:

I need to shave, but all I've had time for lately is a quick shower every morning while Jess is in a good mood and playing after breakfast. I went to WalMart with obvious stubble on my legs. Wow.
I want to do some scrap booking because I'm so behind and have so many pages to do in Jess' scrapbook. I love doing that and imagining him look at the books when he's older.
I need to organize our bills more efficiently.
I need to start printing, clipping, and organizing coupons again. Wow, things are so high!
I'd like to back up and clean off my computer.
I'd like to clean my cameras and organize my files so that I perhaps I can go out one day, even taking Jess with me, and do a few shoots to get some newer work on my website.
I need to update my website.
I need to advertise my website and my prints more.
I'd like to actually straighten and fix my hair after washing it instead of just spraying some gel in it and letting it dry as I go.
I'd like to sit down and watch a movie to the end without either being needed for something or falling asleep.

When I thought about these things, my mind wandered to a comparison mode: comparing the things I'd done and the things I'd wanted to do but hadn't done and then asking myself why the things on those lists weighed out the way they did. The bottom line for me was obvious: I may not show it through my words and actions in a way that is obvious to many people, but I truly live to do what God wants me to do.

Would God rather me spend an extra five minutes in the shower to shave, or would He rather me just be clean enough to be semi-comfy for the day and get back to my making sure my child is safe? Would God want me to run to my computer as soon as Jer hit the door and update my site and try to sell my photos, or clean my camera equipment, etc., and let Jer worry about his own dinner and feeding Jess, or would He want me to have something prepared for my hard working, tired, hungry husband when he gets in?

God wants us to serve others, especially in friendships and marriages/families. It is not our job to be worried about ourselves (aside from the basic necessities of being alive). It is our job to take care of others, to love others, and to serve others in all the ways we can, and to let them take care of us and fill in the gaps that we leave blank for ourselves - which is where the teamwork and duality in marriage should come in.

"In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’” Acts 20:35

"For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5:13-14

"Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” Luke 6:38

"So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." Phillipians 2:1-11

"And whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:44-45

Sure! A nice night to oneself to relax in a bubble bath, shave, wash hair and fix it up, then read or work on a website or hobby that one enjoys is a wonderful thing, but it should be a gift - at least for someone in my position. I'm not saying that I'm not worthy of having such a thing more often, far from it! I'm saying that my family is more important to me than having excessive amounts of time to myself. Right now, being a mom to a child under two, time to myself isn't even a luxury - it's simply not an option for the fact that by the time he's in bed, I'm too tired to make time for myself (generally - obviously, tonight I am staying up long enough to write this post). Even on nights when I can't sleep, I can't really do any of the things I'd like to because I'd wake Jess or Jer up, so insomnia doesn't help, as much as it would seem that it could! ;-)

I am willing to sacrifice (obviously! WalMart, shorts, stubbly legs? LMBO!) certain things that are important to me as an individual in order to make sure that my household is running smoothly and that my family is taken care of in the ways that I am given the responsibility to care for them. I know that as Jess grows older and does more for himself and is able to spend time alone outside or with friends, etc., (I can't count school - our plan and goal is home schooling) I will be able to do more for myself with more ease and a lot less guilt than I feel when I do make time for myself now, as rare as those times are... But right now, I am doing not only what I feel I should be doing, but what I feel God wants me to do. It's not about meeting His expectations, but about serving Him through serving others.

I did a lot of things today. I do a lot of things everyday; usually, the the same things. What can I say about those things? They were what most would consider mundane and unrewarding. Do I feel that I really accomplished anything? Absolutely. My reward was in Jess' smile and giggle when I cleaned his hands and face after his dinner. My reward was in Jer telling me how much he enjoyed his dinner. My reward was in knowing that Jer had clean clothes to wear to work in the morning. My reward was in knowing that my child was going to bed fulfilled - between the yogurt just before bedtime and the love we showed him this evening, how could he not be? My reward is knowing that I love my family, and whether they realize what I do for them or they take me for granted, they wouldn't want to live without me.

I am doing the hardest, most special, and humbling "job" in the world: living life as a stay at home mom and homemaker, and even if I'm exhausted and cranky and annoyed at times, I couldn't be happier.

"But you, take courage! Do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded.” 2 Chronicles 15:7

1 Corinthians 13

1 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Ummmm....

Mon, 01 Aug 2011 13:21:00 +0000

Here I sit, waiting to get brakes put on the car. I'm in a waiting room. It's worse than being at the doctor's office because the people are not sick - they're chattery and loud and SUPER enthusiastic about the magazines and flipping through them. LOUDLY. Which is one of my biggest pet peeves ever! Now, I'm not complaining. I'm just saying. My anxiety is already kicking bigtime and these idiots aren't helping with their ridiculous bellowing about football season coming up and Saban this and Saban that. I swear, this one woman should be a goat - she might as well be EATING her magazine vs. flipping through it because she LITERALLY tears every page when she turns it. Jesus help me!

OK. I have to go outside now. OMG. /going to pass out. For Christ's sake!

PS "spray painting" adventure...

Sun, 24 Jul 2011 13:09:00 +0000

Galactic Chaos.

Used some brushes from redheadstock at dA for the archaic symbols and the gears, along with some of the retro looking squares. http://redheadstock.deviantart.com/ Trying some new things with drop shadows, bevels...etc.

Life and Loss of Internet

Mon, 11 Jul 2011 11:09:00 +0000

I've been working on this post for almost three days now. Trying to blog from a phone is a stupid plan. I suddenly realized that my phone syncs documents for a reason - so that I can write what I want to and sync the document to my phone, then copy and paste that text to the entry box and post! I guess we'll see how that works for pictures in the future (post to Flickr or some other such linkable site from my phone, then copy and paste the link to a document on my phone and sync and vice versa...).

Things have been getting really tight around here. I decided that the best temporary course of action was to turn of my cable all together (finally removing the Internet) and use my phone for access to the web. It's been working out great (now that I have figured out this document syncing thing and started utilizing it) for text. Uploading photos to the website is basically impossible, but as I said, it's only temporary. My cable company has agreed to reinstate my Internet service at no cost to me because I have my own equipment (modem and router) and all they'll have to do is flip a switch (so to speak) from their offices. That's pretty cool, I think.

Jesse has been doing a lot of new (and strange) things lately. He's taken to trying to put on his own shoes. He doesn't wear shoes very often, but when he needs to have them on he'd prefer to put them on himself. He's always been that way about things once he's figured them out. He hasn't quite gotten the hang of putting on shoes but at least he's showing signs that he knows what they are and where they go, even if he can't get his foot into them on his own. He's also become much easier to communicate with in recent weeks. He's really great about pointing things out. If he wants something in particular, he's discovered that pointing and grunting gets it to him much faster than random whining or crying (since neither of those two things tells me much about what he actually wants). He RUNS to the bathroom if we ask him if he's ready for his bath, and he is climbing like a monkey. He's such a smart little creature, even though he can't yet speak our language. He makes up for it with funny and quirky and very obvious Jesse-isms.

I hope to put together a video today since I haven't done one in a while, but, again, getting from the computer to the phone to the Internet could prove difficult. I won't know until I give it a shot, though! If it proves to be beyond my range of patience, I will just go to a friend's house, or to my parents', and borrow Internet long enough to upload it directly from my computer!

Project 365 uploads have been falling behind along with blogs and other posts. I hate trying to type all the info in from my phone! But, that's an unavoidable situation - it's more work to create a descriptive document with tags and the like and then copy and paste the different sections to the different boxes, so I'll just have to deal with that a few at a time, I guess. The good news about Project 365 is that I always have my picture for any given day (well, 99% of the time) so at least I'm not just missing 20 or so photos!

Hope to get things squared away soon and be able to post loads of new photos!!