Blended Paths

"She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks." Proverbs 31:15-17

Tonight I took a few comments from Jer with a grain of salt, including the one that inspired the thoughts that became this post:

Jer: "I wish you'd taken your phone. I wanted you to get me some ice cream."

Me: "well, I'll go get you some ice cream. I'll be right back." (I'd just gotten home from going to the store with my Mom but I hadn't taken my phone with me.)

Jer: "No, just don't worry about it. If you leave I'll have to watch him (Jess)." (slightly agitated and hateful tone)

Me: "what?" (moment of silence) "I 'watch' him every day, all day, and have done this without you here for the past 12 days straight! (Jer's been working without a day off for going on two weeks)

I shook my head, closed my eyes, took a breath. I stopped myself here... Later, Jer apologized.

What I wanted to say in the heat of the moment - thoughts that crossed my mind:

"That was a sorry thing to say! What is wrong with you? You're his dad! He LOVES it when you're here and whether I'm here or not he only wants you - he misses you. If he's such an inconvenience for you, don't worry about it.

I do most of the dirty work every day! 99% of the time, I change his diapers, especially dirty ones. I bathe him. I change his clothes. I do his laundry - and yours! I clean up after him - and you! The only thing you do with him with any consistency is play with him and clean him and his tray after his supper - not that I haven't done that at breakfast and lunch while you were at work...

Why do you treat the situation as though my staying at home isn't as much or more of a 'job' than leaving the house to go to 'work?' You WANTED me to stay home - it was a choice we made together because it was best for Jess. I love being here, and I love serving my son and you. I love taking care of the house and my family. I don't complain when you leave clothes in the floor or dishes in the sink when you could just as easily put them in the dishwasher (and turn it on when it's full), and I appreciate what you do around here when you take the initiative to do little things here and there.

If what I give you in return - meals, clean clothes, a clean house, a well-trained son, etc. - isn't enough for you, perhaps you need to rethink the whole situation and whether you want to be here with us!"

A few short years ago, this is what I WOULD have said. Even the ultimatum, which would have been useless because neither of us wants to be anywhere else than here with each other. The fact that I managed to stop myself, think, breathe, and keep my mouth shut made me realize that I have reached some level of spiritual maturity and understanding of myself and what I want for my family that I didn't know I had reached. Still, just writing it makes me feel a twinge of anger and a shock of defensiveness.

It's rare for Jeremy to say things like what he said tonight, especially in regards to his responsibility as a dad, but lately the comments and snappiness have become fairly frequent, even when he's on a day shift at work (he's usually very laid back when he's on day shift). I know that he is very tired. I know that he is stressed and physically exhausted by the long hours he is working - but I count the situation as a blessing to get back on our feet after months of cut work hours and weeks of paychecks that were half, sometimes even just an eighth, of what he should have been making.

I thought for a long time throughout the evening about the whole situation, and I decided to make a list of the things I did during this day and the things I wanted to do but didn't get done, either because I was too busy or too tired (nine times out of ten I was simply too busy).

Things I did today, in chronological order:

• 6AM: Jesse woke me.
• 6:10-6:30: Changed Jess, fed Jess breakfast.
• 6:30-6:45: Gave Jess his milk and he sat and read books while I jumped in the shower.
• 6:45-9:30: Put Jer's breakfast dishes in the dish washer and turned it on, folded laundry in the dryer and washed another load, which I also folded when it was dry, cleaned the floors and picked up random things throughout the house (numerous times) while intermittently changing Jess, giving Jess a snack, coloring with Jess, or playing ball with Jess, or having him help me carry baskets or towels, etc. Oh, and I paid bills.
• 9:30-11:30: Took Jess across the street to play with Grady and sat and talked to Katie and Dustin for a while, did some party planning for Jess' birthday and then played with both kids.
• 11:30: Walked home with Jess and gave him some lunch.
• 12:00: Put Jess in his room for his nap.
• 12:00-1:30: Put away laundry, then laid down and watched news; took a 30 minute nap.
• 1:30-3:00: Watched "Napoleon" with Jess, intermittent running, coloring, diaper changing and snack feeding.
• 3:00-3:30: Played "jump" with Jess (this little game he made up where he jumps off the sofa and I catch him)
• 3:30: Called Jer, discussed dinner
• 3:45-4:15: Called to take care of an insurance bill. Started and cooked dinner, cleaned up Jess' messes in the kitchen and living room
• 4:15-5:00: fixed Jess and Jer a plate, we ate dinner, Jer put dishes in the dishwasher while I went outside alone for a few minutes of quiet
• 5:00-6:00: My parents came to visit, I went to the store with my Mom while my Dad and Jer visited and played with Jess.
• 6:15: I got home, my parents left, Jer made his comment
• 6:15-7:15: mopped, put on more laundry, organized Jess' bathroom stuff (soaps and such), picked up Jess' messes throughout the house, sat down for a few minutes, went back outside for a few minutes when I took out the trash.
• 7:15-7:30ish: Jess' bath time, played with him, washed him, dried and dressed him. Jer got his milk.
• 7:30-8:00: Played with Jess and Jer on the couch, fed Jess some yogurt, put Jess to bed at 8:00.
• 8:00-now: worked on this post.

Here's the list of things I would liked to have fit in today:

• I need to shave, but all I've had time for lately is a quick shower every morning while Jess is in a good mood and playing after breakfast. I went to WalMart with obvious stubble on my legs. Wow.
• I want to do some scrap booking because I'm so behind and have so many pages to do in Jess' scrapbook. I love doing that and imagining him look at the books when he's older.
• I need to organize our bills more efficiently.
• I need to start printing, clipping, and organizing coupons again. Wow, things are so high!
• I'd like to back up and clean off my computer.
• I'd like to clean my cameras and organize my files so that I perhaps I can go out one day, even taking Jess with me, and do a few shoots to get some newer work on my website.
• I need to update my website.
• I need to advertise my website and my prints more.
• I'd like to actually straighten and fix my hair after washing it instead of just spraying some gel in it and letting it dry as I go.
• I'd like to sit down and watch a movie to the end without either being needed for something or falling asleep.

When I thought about these things, my mind wandered to a comparison mode: comparing the things I'd done and the things I'd wanted to do but hadn't done and then asking myself why the things on those lists weighed out the way they did. The bottom line for me was obvious: I may not show it through my words and actions in a way that is obvious to many people, but I truly live to do what God wants me to do.

Would God rather me spend an extra five minutes in the shower to shave, or would He rather me just be clean enough to be semi-comfy for the day and get back to my making sure my child is safe? Would God want me to run to my computer as soon as Jer hit the door and update my site and try to sell my photos, or clean my camera equipment, etc., and let Jer worry about his own dinner and feeding Jess, or would He want me to have something prepared for my hard working, tired, hungry husband when he gets in?

God wants us to serve others, especially in friendships and marriages/families. It is not our job to be worried about ourselves (aside from the basic necessities of being alive). It is our job to take care of others, to love others, and to serve others in all the ways we can, and to let them take care of us and fill in the gaps that we leave blank for ourselves - which is where the teamwork and duality in marriage should come in.

"In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’” Acts 20:35

"For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5:13-14

"Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” Luke 6:38

"So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." Phillipians 2:1-11

"And whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:44-45

Sure! A nice night to oneself to relax in a bubble bath, shave, wash hair and fix it up, then read or work on a website or hobby that one enjoys is a wonderful thing, but it should be a gift - at least for someone in my position. I'm not saying that I'm not worthy of having such a thing more often, far from it! I'm saying that my family is more important to me than having excessive amounts of time to myself. Right now, being a mom to a child under two, time to myself isn't even a luxury - it's simply not an option for the fact that by the time he's in bed, I'm too tired to make time for myself (generally - obviously, tonight I am staying up long enough to write this post). Even on nights when I can't sleep, I can't really do any of the things I'd like to because I'd wake Jess or Jer up, so insomnia doesn't help, as much as it would seem that it could! ;-)

I am willing to sacrifice (obviously! WalMart, shorts, stubbly legs? LMBO!) certain things that are important to me as an individual in order to make sure that my household is running smoothly and that my family is taken care of in the ways that I am given the responsibility to care for them. I know that as Jess grows older and does more for himself and is able to spend time alone outside or with friends, etc., (I can't count school - our plan and goal is home schooling) I will be able to do more for myself with more ease and a lot less guilt than I feel when I do make time for myself now, as rare as those times are... But right now, I am doing not only what I feel I should be doing, but what I feel God wants me to do. It's not about meeting His expectations, but about serving Him through serving others.

I did a lot of things today. I do a lot of things everyday; usually, the the same things. What can I say about those things? They were what most would consider mundane and unrewarding. Do I feel that I really accomplished anything? Absolutely. My reward was in Jess' smile and giggle when I cleaned his hands and face after his dinner. My reward was in Jer telling me how much he enjoyed his dinner. My reward was in knowing that Jer had clean clothes to wear to work in the morning. My reward was in knowing that my child was going to bed fulfilled - between the yogurt just before bedtime and the love we showed him this evening, how could he not be? My reward is knowing that I love my family, and whether they realize what I do for them or they take me for granted, they wouldn't want to live without me.

I am doing the hardest, most special, and humbling "job" in the world: living life as a stay at home mom and homemaker, and even if I'm exhausted and cranky and annoyed at times, I couldn't be happier.

"But you, take courage! Do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded.” 2 Chronicles 15:7

1 Corinthians 13

1 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Orbs are a serious hot topic amongst those of us who are interested in the paranormal - so hot, in fact, I've seen people get into arguments that very nearly turned to fist fights. There are the "amateur ghost hunters" who find an orb in every photo they take at one extreme, and at the other there are the one hundred percent non-believers. The "amateur ghost hunter" really does seem to find an orb everywhere they look - and, sure, they may be seeing what could technically be called an "orb." They see something round, something with substance, something that moves through the frames. The serious non-believers would say that ten thousand times out of ten thousand it's going to be something of the natural, physical world. Those are the extremes. Then there is the middle ground, and that's the camp I tend to fall into - at least, now I do.

People who straddle the fence on the subject do so because they're serious about paranormal issues - they believe that the paranormal phenomenon we hear about so often these days is real, and generally they've had their own experiences to take them from one of the extremes back to the middle. it seems to be a backwards kind of transition, really. Instead of going from the middle and saying, "I'm not sure...," to saying, "yes," or, "no," we tend to go from either extremely over-sensitive or extremely serious and bound to the physical world TO the middle.

Alas, people in this "camp" would probably say that nine thousand nine hundred ninety nine times out of ten thousand it's not going to be something paranormal causing these phenomena to appear on film - it's going to be dust or it's going to be a bug or it's going to be lens flare or it's going to be something one hundred percent of the natural, physical world. These people tend to be cautious yet open-minded. That said, I'll move into the real meat of this post:

I was a person who never believed in "orbs." I was Jason from Ghost Hunters. I was never willing to look at an image and say, "that's paranormal," at least not from a "spiritual" standpoint of what "paranormal" means. I took hundreds of photos that had these "orbs" in them, but upon investigating very closely the detail of the image and looking at notes of when the image was taken and what was going on during that time frame I could ALWAYS find a flaw in the "orb" theory. I would be able to SEE wings or movement in the image, indicating a bug of some sort, or I would be able to see and use common sense to incur that the rest of the images contained dust particles that had reflected flash from the camera (these "orbs" would be much to solid, have a definite and solid color, and tend to be very bright and cast something of a shadow when magnified).

The photos that I am going to post here changed my mind about "orbs." I respect those people who believe that the traditional "orbs" do not exist, and I appreciate those people out there who have such an affinity for them that they believe that every round, front-lit object in every photograph is an orb. This is not about debating whether they exist, although I'm not going to say I'm not interested in opinions (courteous ones, at least). I've debated with myself about whether to post this photoblog for a few weeks now because I really don't feel like taking part in any arguments about the topic or reading comments where people bash each other's opinions. LOL This post is about what changed MY mind. I took the following photos at a cemetery that we have frequented for years. I've taken photos there at night before and gotten plenty of mosquitoes and dust, but I've never seen an image come out of my camera like the ones I'm about to insert into this post. The images below are the handful of images that had these...things...in them - these few out of more than one hundred photos taken. The rest of the photos taken showed no sign of anything at all (bugs or dust included).

As a little background, this was a very still evening in the very early spring. In this area, at this time of year, there are very few if any insects or bugs flying around at night aside from moths (big enough to pinpoint without even zooming in) or lightening bugs (which would show themselves obviously in a photo should they light up during the shutter's activity). This particular night there was no dust being stirred as it had rained earlier in the day, dew had started to form on surfaces (including the ground, obviously), and there's also the fact that I was walking around in grass when I was walking and standing still when I was taking the photos.

Now that I have made some explanation about this environment and shared some information about the photos, here are the photos themselves. While I randomly question myself, deep down I truly believe these are "orbs" of the supernatural sense because of my own personal experiences during this "walk" and because I almost fell out of my chair when I compared these images to other images I'd taken on this night and other nights in the past. I can find no other explanation than that these images contain representations of "some form of electrostatic energy, either being part of or an entire spirit entity. This would mean that these objects are in essence globules of energy and/or light particles (in the case of ‘visible’ orbs)" (Ken Summers giving a definition of the paranormal orb in his own words). I don't go out looking for this sort of thing - I go to cemeteries because they're peaceful and they have really interesting and derelicte things to take photos of (and shooting at night is generally when you get the best effect of this scenery). I actively participated in the paranormal side of this outing this time, and I got what I guess could be considered results. LMAO...

Asked if anyone was there who wanted their photo taken...

Similar object above fresh grave...

Turned around from fresh grave, took several shots of this area (the benefactor of the cemetery) and got this pronounced anomaly...

Anomaly from above photo fades out...

...appears above my friend when I say, "let me take your picture with Kate."

Anomaly appears again when asked, about 9 photos later (took about 15 photos in the same spot without moving, in burst procession).

Anomaly fades out again in fourth of burst photos (of previously mentioned burst groups)...

Explanation below...

So. There are my few photos of the unexplained phenomena that continued to follow me throughout my evening journey through the cemetery at Holly Springs. In the last image, I asked if any entity that had been visible in my photos wanted to take another photo as I was leaving. I had about 25 photos between this image and the previous image with the similar "object" showing up in it. This was the last photo I took. As soon as the flash went of my battery drained completely (I took about 100 photos and had a fully charged battery that I changed to another fully charged battery about 3/4 of the way into this outing. When we were about 3 minutes away from the church/cemetery (on our way home) my camera battery was suddenly had two out of three bars on the charge indicator. THAT is what convinced me that this was something out of the ordinary - something not of this physical world - after I put it together with the fact that I couldn't reconcile these images to any others and the anomaly looks the same throughout the images, even though it's appearance is random throughout the images.

If someone can tell me and prove to me this is something other than what I believe it is, I would welcome that proof gladly. I am not sure how to feel about this. It has really rocked my whole, "orbs are bs" foundation not to be able to reconcile what's in these images. Opinions welcome; not that I'll respond either way. I'm still stuck on this - though my gut says, "paranormal."

I just heard a song on iTunes shuffle - "Love is not a Fight." I don't remember ever having downloaded it, much less hearing it, but I loved it.

My spiritual path - the one that's been all over the place yet still a path; the one that's carried me through clearings of realization, valleys of peace and protection, highs of joy and love, gates covered with thorns and vines - fighting to push through and press on... ...the path that has led me through most of the world's major religions and many religions and belief systems that are hardly known, through lies and falsehoods only to bring me to rivers and gulfs of truth, through evil and temptation yet shown me a bridge to rise above and cross unharmed...  Throughout this journey I have managed to hold on to the roots of the belief system that my parents handed down to me and while I've managed to weed out the shortcomings of that belief system and finally understand them and why they are there, I have finally arrived back at what seems like where I started from - yet, not.

I've been learning to breathe, learning to hear and see the things that are so important and perpetually surround me, and learning to live with certain gifts (that sometimes feel and seem like curses) I've been given - things that are not accepted by that original belief system I started with. I am still so far from truth in its purest and truest form, but I feel like I've grown so much closer to it in the past week. It's amazing to me how only a few random facts have changed me - but it's the fact that these facts made sense immediately upon hearing them. They were so simple that an in depth explanation or discussion about them wasn't even necessary. Funny how randomly this can happen, yet how powerfully it can effect you as a spiritual being and therefore a human one. Alas, there are so many things I want to say - so much in my mind and heart to sort, but the words and the thoughts are so jumbled still; it's as though my brain is a fruit salad at the moment, consisting of every possible fruit one could find, chop up and throw in, but they've forgotten to put the gelling substance in the mix. Or, may it just needs to refrigerate a bit longer...

We are still undecided about putting up the video of our little dedication ceremonial thing that we did for Jesse - it was very...for lack of a better word, personal - and we want to share it but maybe just clips in his video for this month. I can understand Jeremy not wanting to share his portion (the things he said) for those reasons - they are from his heart and very personal to him. They are from him to his son and a prayer to God, and I can totally get behind and respect that.

I, on the other hand, have had a few people ask me what I decided to say (or, rather, what I wrote) because of the mix of beliefs that we share as a family - and for the most part, these people have asked this question because they find themselves in a similar situation: they don't want to have a church type dedication, they don't want to have a "ritual" dedication, they just want to do their own thing but they really don't know where to start.

There are two questions I have to answer before I can share anything else, though. The first is, "Why do you call it a dedication?" The second is, "Who, if not God, are you dedicating your child to, especially if not in a religious environment?" Well, to answer this person's questions, it's pretty simple. We are not about religion, we are about spirituality and the love and light of the Universe and of God being with us and around us all the time, no matter where we are, so in that sense, the world is our "church." But, not really - not so much the "world," but nature. We love the outdoors and spend as much time in nature - in the woods and by the water, even in the front or back yard - as possible. It is calming and relieving and refreshing and refueling for us and it is where we are most comfortable.

The place that we chose to have this little ceremony was a place that was very special to us for many reasons - but the bottom line is that it's been a place where we've shared a lot of memories throughout our relationship, from dating throughout our marriage, and it's especially special for Jeremy because it's a place where he grew up and learned many lessons about life and himself. We call it a dedication truly because we never really thought of another word to call it - you'll often hear (or read) me say, "the name is not the thing," and that's kind of the case here. We never felt we needed to give our child back to God because he never stopped belonging to God. Everyone has a different set of beliefs, even individual Christians associated strictly with the Christian church (of whatever denomination), and that's OK. Ours are that God is the Universe and the Universe is God, and everything in and of the Universe is God and God is everything in and of the Universe. That's just our trip.

So for the question of "who" Jesse was dedicated to, I guess the truth is that he was dedicated to no one - it was more a symbolic event consisting of us giving over any doubt and any physical or emotional responsibility for things that might be out of our control concerning him - that the Universe (or the God we believe in, more accurately), would take full control of Jesse's life and of all the things that we may not be able to control in regards to his safety, health, or any other extraneous situation.

That being said, I would like to share with those people who have asked me to what I wrote to share for this special day in my son's life. I can not and will not speak for Jeremy, but I do not mind sharing my heart with the world so I will. I would like to point out that I took different ideas from different people and things they'd written or put together, some almost ceremonial, but turned it into a more personal message and a deeper message from my heart for my son.

"Jesse,

May the God of the Universe make clear to you each road.
May the Universe make safe each steep should you stumble,
If you fall, lift you up.
When you are hard pressed with evil, may the Universe deliver you,
and bring you at last to the glory of God.
The blessings of the Universe and of Christ, his son, come to you;
this blessing is mercy, and kindness, and joy.
May this blessing come to our home and family.
I call on heaven and those departed, yet love you, to witness today that you,
Jesse Liam Michael, are given to the Universe and to Mother Earth and to the beauty of nature the Universe has provided us.
May you grow in your faith and gain wisdom to choose the path for your life which is right for you.
May we never press you, yet never lead you astray.
May we share our faith and beliefs in honesty and offer you all the opportunity to become who you choose to be.
May you be blessed all the days of your life with the joy and love of your parents, your family, and the peace and comfort that only the Universe can truly provide you.
May there be a constant bond between you forever, never loosening, for all the days of your life.
Blessed be."

I love my son more than anything - more than life itself, and I find that I (unlike in the past) am rarely embarrassed to show or to share my heart in regards to him. I certainly hope he is not someday embarrassed of me, but we can only wonder what those pre-teen and teenage years will hold. LOL

I recently shared a photo taken on an outing with Jeremy - it was of some simple fishing tackle, a weight and swivel hanging from his pole, which was leaned against the chair I was sitting in. I posted that I took the picture because it was comforting for me, and this is true on a number of levels. This post is basically an attempt to break that down and explain a little more about the importance of the picture for me, and the importance of the lessons learned throughout my relationship with Jeremy and our experiences together - especially, and specifically, fishing and the tackle used for such endeavors.

Jeremy and I started our relationship in a strange way - our first date was basically compiled of him taking me to leave flowers at the storefront of an old boss/friend/love who had died in a car accident (although it was much more complicated than I will describe here). It was a very hard and a very defining time in my life. Jeremy was the part of the whole time and situation that was right - the part that was always right. The part that never faltered to be supportive of me, to try to understand, even without details... He was just always there.

From here, our "dates" weren't really dates. We never really did the regular things, like movies and dinner and shopping around the music stores or strip malls. We went to the woods. Jeremy introduced me to nature in the way that church introduces people to Jesus and God - it was like, "here it is - it's overwhelming but you'll get to a point where you understand it." I was thrust into this new point of view of the world I lived in - never even knowing such beauty was so near to me.

We would go to the local wildlife management area nearly every weekend, and some nights after work. We would fish in the small creeks and the crooks and crannies of the woods that weren't very traveled. We would go to his family's humble cabin on the "river" (actually Paint Creek) and we would fish, sometimes in the boat, sometimes from the bank, and I learned all sorts of cool things about fishing that I didn't know - like that fishing isn't limited to a hook, a bobber, and a worm.

As it turns out, there are all sorts of rigs that you can use - some for floating bobbers, some for bottom fishing, some for current fishing...and it got even more involved when we started going to the ocean to fish. And all of this started me thinking: how much of this is like life?

There's a comfort in the actual physical existence of the weight and swivel in my photograph - these are things that I am comfortable with using and understanding the need for, and they are things that are in many memories of my life with Jeremy. But the underlying importance is this:

Weights and swivels - our lives are full of them in so many ways. There are, of course, the other influences - the moon phases and the tides and the water levels and the weather and the desire of the fish to bite - we have these same influences in different ways in our day to day lives. But, it's the weights and swivels that make all the difference regardless of the circumstances we face.

We have weights in our lives that are good and bad and serve different purposes. Sometimes our families are weights on us; sometimes our friends are. Sometimes our own self-doubts and uncertainties hold us down and keep us under the currents, and keep us from moving forward, much less up and out of the water - and sometimes it takes someone "reeling us in" just so we can get a breath and try to understand the situation at hand. Sometimes there are positive weights in our lives - in the way that our husbands and friends, lovers and family members, and even children, hold us steady in the flowing currents and give us some idea of what we're working and/or fighting for or against. They give us purpose and meaning; they give us bearing and they keep us focused on where we need to be.

But the real key here is the swivel - without the swivel, allowing the weight to move with the current and when the fish bites, without this ever-necessary piece of metal - how would we be able to bend and move while still being connected to something solid? Those same people, those same reasons and situations - those can be swivels in our lives; or, as in my case, my search and my study and my desire to make and follow the right "path" for my life spiritually - what works for me - well, it took (and still takes) a lot of bending and turning to get anywhere - but my whole deal is that I know what the foundations of my beliefs are, and I want to hold fast to them while learning and even accepting and practicing other things that fit that path and that plan. The swivel in my photo keeps that weight pliable - the swivel(s) in my life do the same for me as a person and spiritual entity.

These same metaphors could easily be applied to photography - there are weights; things that hold us down - lighting, scenery, the intangible nature of, well, nature - shooting nature and outdoors is sometimes - well, let's be honest - oftentimes, uncertain. We need to understand the tools we have to work with and the methods that will work in different situations - for those are our swivels and they help us to bend and move with the circumstances and still be able to get the great photos that we see in our minds - those visions that we want to capture and express and share with others.

Maybe this makes sense to you, maybe it doesn't - but if you stop and think about the weights and swivels in your life, and you define them, it's easy to see that you can get through anything if you know the limits and know the right places for these things in your life and how to use them in any situation, whether it be life in general, photography, your finances, your family, your own emotional or physical well being...and always remember, you can be a negative or positive weight in someone else's life, too - it goes both ways. You can also be a swivel for them.

So, evaluate your friendships and relationships with your family members. Evaluate the everyday situations you face, whether bad or good, and ask yourself, "how can I see this differently? How can I bend, how can I move, how can I change this for the better if I need to, for myself or for others?" Because it really can be done - and you really can make your life what you want it to be - what you feel it needs to be for you. Without having peace in that and in yourself, you can really be of no good to anyone else, and I've learned that so obviously in my relationships with Jeremy, my friends...even my son, but especially in my relationship with nature.

I began a new (well, used) book last night called The Path of a Christian Witch,  by Adelina St. Clair. Adelina was raised Catholic and this book walks the reader through her experiences from childhood throughout her life and shows how she melded the paths of Christianity and Paganism to create her own fulfilling and complete spiritual path.

I've never practiced spell casting (technically - only if you want to consider certain prayers and Christian ceremonies such, which could easily be done, and Adelina shows how similar the two are. It's all about faith, energy, and what you can manifest through your faith and what God or the Goddess can manifest through you.

At first, I was amazed that even though the above statements are true, I had so much in common with this author; at least, based on what I'd read so far. I posted yesterday on Tumblr (I believe) that I'd seen my first tree aura and what a fascinating experience that was. And all that I really saw was seeing beyond what what there and through to the energy that creates and sustains what is there. It's not magic, in the sense of what most people would consider magic - it's simply relaxing your eyes, giving a soft gaze, thinking about the energy and the purpose of the tree, and radiating your own energy of gratefulness and awe at the majesty of what God or the Universe or that all-powerful being has created.

It's uncanny, and always shocking - to me, at least - how closely related Paganism and Christianity really are; how they draw from each other as religions to do ultimately one thing: help a person in practice find peace, learn, live in harmony with themselves and the spirits (angels, God/Gods, the Trinity, the spirits of loved ones gone on, and all life - from butterflies to trees to bunnies scurrying across the yard.

It's true that some people have gifts. I had never considered openly sharing this here but hey - it's a site about blended paths, so...yeah! I'm a bit sensitive to things. I'm sensitive to the emotions of people - to the extreme that I can't really spend time in large chain stores like Wal-Mart of malls...even to the depths of driving down the road. Getting stopped at a redlight beside someone who is having a bad day is like being stuck in the car with them - their energy fills my being; fills, in fact, my mind and thoughts, and I sometimes feel physical pain and emotional pain on a level I can not realistically describe or even understand.

I've been told it's a gift and if I learn how to use it properly, and control it's negative effects on me, it can be a wonderful tool for helping people - and in some cases it has been. But in general, I have tried for the last two years to shut it off - shut it out - get rid of it...it's TOO painful. I didn't ask for this trait, it's just always been there, as long as I can remember, from the time I was entering grade school I really noticed it amongst the other children, but I blocked it out as nervousness or insecurity, and that's what I've done all my life.

Alas, this book is amazing in giving definition to what I have experienced and to what my heart has always told me about what it really out there. It goes beyond defining religions and dogmas and reaches into the core - the core of what Christ and the Angels, and the spirits of life around us, want us to do and see - and the ultimate and final goal that they have for us is peace and love for ourselves and for others.

I am excited to once again find myself open to understanding these "things" that I deal with and to once again exploring, without fear of condemnation or care of judgment of others or want of pleasing anyone but God and myself, whatever paths lie in front of me. In fact, I think tomorrow I will go explore a path I haven't explored for quite sometime - my spiritual connection with my love - with my husband.

I feel very confident in watching my child that he has either inherited or simply has, because he is so innocent, open, and ready  to take everything in, some sort of gift for communication on a level that requires no words. When I watch him with the trees, it's as though they carry on some conversation, and I can remember doing the same when I was a child, older than him, of course, but I wonder to myself, "what are they saying to each other? What is the wind speaking to my son that makes him simple and wave back and find contentment immediate after or during a crying spell or a painful tooth breaking through moment? It's more than mere infant fascination with something new - he's been watching and obsessing over the wind and the leaves and the trees since he was able to see properly at 3 or 4 months of age.

In my heart of hearts, I know there is something more there than church and the good book and what the preacher says on Sunday morning - and in my heart of hearts, I know that one doesn't have to reach very far to touch it and to have it completely transform their life and their being.

I'll let you know how that goes for me.