Blended Paths

We all know (at least those of us/you who know me or keep up with my life online) that I have been lazing about with things - really, a lack of self-confidence doesn't even come into play. It's just the fact that I'm the mother of a two year old and that drains the ever-loving life out of me. Well. At the rolling over of the clock to 2012, I decided to make a resolution - something I rarely, if ever, do at the New Year.

My son is older now. Yeah, he's still two. But, he's more "mature" than he was a few months ago. He behaves well for his age, at least when it comes to outings (and, if he's away from his Dad!). So, I decided that it was time for me to commit to some serious Christy time. I decided that I would concentrate more on my art, whether writing or shooting, and that I would not feel bad about asking Jeremy or our friends to give me a little help with Jesse so that I could do this. I didn't make a plan, I didn't wake up on January 1, 2012 with a grand scheme or a whole lot of oomph about the whole thing. I just knew that I wanted to take care of my own needs as an artist.

I'd started noticing, probably right around Thanksgiving, maybe a little a before then (probably right after Jess' 2nd birthday) that I was feeling really down. Not depressed, just very tired. Very bored. Very dull. Very...down. I started making myself up more, dressing up more, dressing differently. Slowly, over a period of two months, I felt like I was running out of options and I couldn't figure out what was wrong! Then it dawned on me: yes, spending a little more time ON myself was helping me to feel better about myself, but I wasn't spending any time FOR myself. I was never getting into that zone of "Christy." There was always Jesse or Jeremy in the outskirts of everything I was doing in life, even if was for me.

That's all OK. It's OK for your family, especially your kids, to be the constant forefront of your mind, actions, and life. In fact, I think your kids SHOULD be in that place. But, I realized, I couldn't go on truly caring for my child...truly being a good mom, without truly BEING ME. Yes, he's a part of who I am! But, I was losing parts of myself that I used to love because I just didn't care for a while and I lost the habits; I lost the fire...and it started to wear me down. I'm a mother before anything else, and I'd do anything in the world for my child that I could do. I would walk in front of a speeding truck to knock him out of the way. But, I have to take care of myself if I'm going to be able to take care of him, and part of that is completing myself with the activities in life that fulfill me. There is no reason to feel guilty about that! It doesn't constitute a bad mother. It doesn't mean I don't put my child first. It just means that I am human and have needs of my own, just like my child does...just like my marriage does.

Recently, Jeremy and I began to realize that there were some issues in our marriage because of one stupid thing: our son having to sleep with one or the other of us. It has nothing to do with sex - even when we do sleep in the same bed that's usually the last thing on our minds by the end of the day - it was about being separated from each other. Normally, each of us would relish the chance to sleep on the couch or in the study for some serious peace and quiet. Now, we long to just be near each other. We're working on this problem. Jess makes it difficult but we're working on it. It surprised us both how one little thing - sleeping beside each other - affected our relationship. Yeah, we're asleep so we don't really know what's happening. But there's a subconscious knowledge that my partner in life, my best friend, my love is near me. That's important.

It's the same with our relationships with ourselves. We need to keep close to ourselves. We need to express ourselves, especially if we're artists (of any kind!). We need to know that we are sharing our visions and our ideas and our work with others, even if it's not for monetary gain. The latter means very little to me - when I gave up my professional career in teaching/IT to stay at home with my son, I did it knowing the financial loss that would take place and Jeremy and I were prepared for that. While it is nice and I'd like to sell my work, hopefully, soon, my writing, to others, becoming a millionaire isn't my drive. It's sharing what I create with others. Knowing that a photo that I took is hanging on someone's wall. Knowing that my ideas are scurrying around in someone's brain, hopefully inspiring them in some way.

Alas, I started my year off with a huge self-achievement. I went out yesterday with Jess and JR to get out of the house so Jeremy could rest. We went to McDonald's and had coffee while Jess played on the indoor playground, safe from the freezing cold. We went to a child's consignment shop and I got a few things for Jess, and spent only around $20 (which I was very proud of!!). Then, we went to this great little bookstore called Book Nook. We hung out there for a good while. Jess looked at books, JR talked to the owner while I looked around and chose a beautiful Stephen King novel that I've read before but just HAD to read again, and then I joined them in the kids' section, sitting in the floor with Jess and having conversations with him about what he was looking at. It was a lot of fun!

Every now and then I would get involved in the adult part of the conversation, and at some point I mentioned a bit of empty wall space I had noticed and asked about displaying my photography there. They were thrilled to extend the opportunity to me. So, by late in the afternoon I had gotten together some prints and frames, and I delivered them and signed a release for them to spend a little time on someone else's wall – a business' wall. A business where a LOT of different people will see them. And, maybe, take something away from them that inspires them in some way. I also mentioned my forthcoming novella and this, too, brought forth a lot of excitement from the owner of the store. They're very interested, and excited about, local talent, artists, writers, whatever it is you do, and they want to help you express your art. Selling is good. But the bottom line is expressing it - getting it out there, sharing YOU. To have a window to do this and to feel like I'm making good friends along the way is one of the greatest things that has happened to me since Jesse was born, and I know it never would have happened if I hadn't opened my mouth and said, "Hey. I have photos. I'm open to the possibilities."

All in all, it's shaping up to be an OK year. Yeah, there are still the worries about bills and random things breaking and so forth. Oh! And let's not forget that the world ends this year, as well. But, I'm excited! I feel alive again. I know I have a child to care for but that thought doesn't drain me anymore, because I know that's not all there is to my life and it never had to be that way. I just had to figure that out.